IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS(part 1)

       I had drafted this post for a while,its a 2 part series, but I didn't get to it till I came across this quote on facebook
       

Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these. (Susan B. Anthony)

      

 I've come to realise in life that as much as the big events in our lives mark milestones and symbolise achievements, its the little things that we keep closest to our hearts, those are the memories we hold dear, whether we know it or not.
       


       I saw the Tooth Fairy(part 2) about a week ago. It was about this guy who had made a kid stop believing in the tooth fairy, so he had to be a tooth fairy for a while or else his "best memory" would  be taken away. As far as he knew his best memory was when he won a bowling competition and got a really snazzy car.



      At one point the memory was taken away, then he realised that wasn't his greatest memory at all. His best memory was one time when he was walking hand in hand with his ex-girlfriend. Shocker.




       I remember one day i came home super exhausted, all i remember was crashing on my bed, i woke up the next morning to find out that my little sister had covered me with a blanket at some point in the night so i wouldn't get cold.
That might seem like a little thing, but I've never forgotten.



      Or like the time she surprised me with a cake on my birthday years back because a cake wasn't forthcoming from anywhere else. (God forbid me not having cake on my birthday, everyone knows my love for cakes)



     I remember how scared I was to start this blog, and confiding to my brother that I didn't think I could do it,  he replied "if i hear that you can't do it, I go come wound you for there'. That showed the confidence he had in me and that keeps me going when I'm just too tired update the blog or just want to scrap it.



     I remember when my aunt had a baby, the thing I remember most was not the fact that the baby was born, but the way her husband danced in excitement, I had never seen him dance before. (and i understand why, he won't be winning any awards for his dance steps anytime soon)


  We place so much emphasis on the weddings, the anniversaries, the promotions, the new house, the new car, the trips overseas etc that the really important stuff are downplayed. Imagine getting a promotion at work and having no one to tell, having no one to jump up and down with you in excitement. People often say the happiest day of their lives was the day they got married to the love of their life, I think that's because there is an assurance that there will always be a person to share the little things with.


   I heard an advert on radio just as i started typing this, a lady said she remembered the day she had her son, but what truly made the day stand out was the fact that her husband made her favourite meal for her. That's the truth about the really super days, its those little things people did that matter most.



    How come when something big happens, we want to share it with the people we love. The minute you get the job, you pick up your phone and call your family or your friends, you buy a car and you go pick up your buddies to cruise with you?


   In primary school I won an award for being one of the top students in my class, it was a big ceremony with cameras, pictures, i even heard the event was shown on TV. What i remember most was my mum hugging me and saying how proud she was of me. . . . . . . . . . . . . That was pretty cool.


   I was sharing this with a friend yesterday and he told me the reason he hardly goes for shows is because he realised, rather than go watch the 25k show alone, he'd rather watch the show at home with his family or friends where they can all laugh at the jokes together.

       "The most treasured heirlooms are the sweet memories of our family"


  Its not only family, its friends. Its your best friend dropping everything to go to the mall with you even though she had nothing to buy, or giggling with you about that guy you have a major crush on. Reminds me of a movie i saw way back; two ladies who were bestfriends got into a fight just before their wedding day which was the same day, each eventually realised that as much as that day meant to her it wasn't the same without the presence of her best friend.


   Its your best friend sending you chocolates on Valentine's day, or taking you out with her boyfriend. Its your homeboy always having your back no matter the weather!


    People are the most important part of our lives. The little things people do for us is what makes our lives truly beautiful, its what they said, how they said it. Its those memories that are truly unforgettable, they make the big things meaningful. Without these little things our lives wouldn't be as awesome as they are.



  Always take a minute to appreciate the little things, and the people who make them happen.

CHANGE (PART 1)

    

    I published a post a week ago titled "QUIRKYALONE". I received emails and comments about it and one in particular stood out because there was talk about moulding our partner if there is mutual understanding. The mutual understanding part is what is usually missing in attempting to "mould" a person, most of us just think it can be one sided. I can understand where that would come from, you like someone but they aren't quite perfect so we decide to "tweak' them a little, just a little adjustment here and there.


    Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't always work. There is even an 80percent chance it wont work. Humans are creatures of habit, we are moulded from different materials, have different backgrounds, different orientations that determine  who we are. By a certain age we become set in our ways, resistant to change and rebel against those who would seek to change us. (i know i do). Have you ever been in an arguement with someone who believes what they are saying is absolutely correct? It's possible that person has it all twisted, they have their facts all wrong, they are confused, but as long as they are convinced to the very core of their being . . . . .
If you have ever succeeded in changing their minds, I'd like to meet you, your powers of persuasion must be close to supernatural.



    I had a friend who was addicted to smoking, i had pleaded and preached against all the evils of smoking, how it would eat up the internal organs, how it could lead to cancer etc. He even assured me he also wanted to quit smoking "just for you" he said. (did i mention that he was a "toaster"). But i told him he needed to quit smoking, not for me, but for himself. Afterall, it wasn't my liver that was slowing getting burnt. I told him that if he stopped smoking for me, what wold happen when i wasn't there? The chances were that he would return to smoking without me constantly harping on him not to smoke. I haven't spoken to him in a while and yea, its just as you thought, he has resumed smoking.


    I once had a boyfriend who was a gentleman of the highest order, i mean down to opening doors, standing till you had your seat kind of gentleman. He asked me out for a while before we started dating, and all the while he would always say he used to be a bad boy, that normally while asking out one girl, he would have one or more in the background but that for some reason my case was different. (this girl wasn't buying  it but i thought, lets have some fun) to cut the long story short, even though there was no doubt that the guy really was in love by the end i knew of three other girls he had dated while we were dating etc. I escaped unscathed because from the outset i knew what i was getting into and was prepared for any eventuality!

    I read a book about a two people who had met and fallen in love, the girl from a rich family and the guy from a poor family. The guy had always believed that a woman has to depend on her man for her every need, that a man isn't a man if he isn't needed absolutely. Of course there were issues and they went their seperate ways. It took the guy 2years to come to terms with the fact that a man isn't less of a man if his wife is richer and doesn't need his money. He realised that he only had to work hard to make sure that he could provide all that her money could and possibly a bit more and that he is needed in other ways as well.


   How do you mould a girlfriend/wife beater into something different? how do you convince him that brute force is not the solution to every issue in a relationship? How do you get him to reason like a rational being? How do you talk him into changing?


   I came across a blog some weeks ago and the blogger was talking about a story she had heard in the salon (that's a really good place to hear gist ooh). It was about a guy who after a few weeks of marriage suddenly developed the habit of leaving the house to receive phone calls because the network inside the house was "poor". The man after a few months of marriage, divorced his wife, took his ring and left saying he was in love with someone else. Apparently, the new lady was the one he had been calling anytime he left the house due to bad network. The guy apparently married the other lady, did the same thing and left. He did the same thing, three times and was currently in his fourth marriage, obviously, each new one had thought, my case is different, all i have to do is convince him I'm the right one. Bla bla bla. Each deluding herself he would change for her. I'm sure we all know its only a matter of time before we say goodbye to the current wife.

   It's the same principle across all types of relationships.


    It's the same thing with friends. The reason both of you are friends is because she came to tell you all sorts of stories about your former bff, how she had said this about you and done this behind your  back. She painted the other party in a bad light so she could get close to you. How do you mould that person into a good friend, a true friend who doesn't go around talking behind your back. If she is not convinced that friendship is more than hanging out, more than partying together, then you have your work cut out for you. Don't be surprised when that you find out she has been spreading rumours about you!



    You see the way the guy behaves with  his mother and his sisters, you see the way he talks to strangers, you see the way he talks to his employees. You think you can convince him to treat you better? That you can talk him into being kind and speaking to you with a gentle tone? Even though he loves you, old habits die hard!

  
    Human beings are not puppets whom we can make dance as we pull the strings, they aren't dogs we can train to "sit" or "play dead". I'm not saying people can"t change, but most times when they change for you, there usually isn't a conviction in their hearts that that is what they want, and without that conviction, its only a matter of time before their true nature comes back to the fore. The best you can do is try to convince a person that there is a better way of getting things done, talk them into making up their own minds and hope they do. You really can't mould a person into a new person. To mould a person you have to destroy whatever the foundation or root of the problem is.  Most major changes come from the inside out not the other way around. What goes on inside is more important than what goes on outside. It's like looking at a car that has been refurbished, the outside is all shiny but the inside remains untouched. The rust inside will still find a way of coming back outside. If all you've done is wash the outside of a cup and the inside remains dirty then nothing has been achieved.


    

BEYOND YOUR EXPECTATION

       We've all heard the phrase Good things happen to people who expect them, or other stuff like that. I get the idea, when you are focused on good things happening to you, they will happen. True. But there is something beyond that expectation . . . . . . It's preparation.


   A couple of days ago, I was home alone and had been working on my laptop for hours without electricity. Eventually the battery ran out of juice and my laptop went off. It was a few minutes to noon and the trend for days before was for NEPA (or PHCN) to restore power supply at 12noon. With that in mind, i decided to quickly get some things done, take a shower etc As i stepped into the bathroom it occured to me that it was noon already, still no power? Then it dawned on me that i hadnt even switched over from the generator source to Nepa. Immediately, i got out of the bathroom and switched over, and alas, Light flooded the house. That got me thinking.


   I had an expectation for electricity but i hadnt taken the necessary steps to ensure that i was ready for it when it came. Suppose i had kept on hoping the light would come but still hadn taken  steps  for when it came, i would have missed the opportuity to charge my laptop and do all other stuff one needs electicity for.


  I realised that there were areas of our lives that we have big expectations, but because we are unprepared, because we haven't quite switched over, and because we have left it at the expectation stage, nothing seems to happen. It's even possible, like in my case, that the good thing had happened but we are caught unprepared

"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail" John Wooden

   A few days after, i was having a chat with an older friend who had high hopes for a huge contract, had submitted the relevant papers, talked to the right people etc. This contract runs in several millions of naira, but guess what, he didnt have a functional bank account. I was shocked, so if the contract came, were the people supposed to pay in cash? Immediately, i dragged him to the bank and made him open an account, not even in his name, but in his company's name.


    Having an expectation without preparation to receive your manifestation is like going fishing without a fishing net, without a fishing line, and lets say you cant afford all those, you didnt go with a sharp stick either! yet you expect to catch a fish, are the fish going to have pity on you and start jumping into the boat? if you think so, then good luck to you. Even if you are expecting a miracle, you still have to "let down your net".


    You are expecting a job offer as soon as possible, you have even taken the necessary steps of submitting your cv at all the right places. But, you dont have a single office shirt to your name, the last time you wore one was at your tenth birthday. What happens when you receive a phone call telling you to resume at Chevron the next day? You really dont need to have the most expensive shirts or shoes in town to get a job, no one expects that of you yet, afterall you dont have a job. But it wont be too much to have one or two that look good when ironed.
  

 Often times, the things we are expecting have already come to pass, but we aren't prepared to receive them. We rely entirely on miracles and forget there is a part we ourselves must play. One of my favourite people in all of history named John is John Preston, who said
"the nicest thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise and is not preceeded by a period of anxiety" (I absolutely love this, the statement is just dripping with sarcasm).

    You always wanted to meet your dream girl but you never get out of bed or even step out of your house. What are the chances this girl will walk up to your door and ask of you by name? Ok, lets say she does walk up to your door, what do you even say to her?


   You have this awesome idea in your head, about an invention that will change the very way we live, you expect to meet someone who can provide necessary funding but you dont even have a presentation prepared. You havent written it down to the last word, the last graph etc.Supposing this person has the time, you havent prepared a speech. NOTHING. all you have is your fantastic idea in your head. Chances are that's where it will stay!
  
   
  
    You want to become a model, you have sent out pictures to modeling agencies. but you have never catwalked in your life. What happens when you are called in for an audition? Do you stroll in, bounce like a tomboy? Just because you are six foot with a good face doesn't unconditionally make you a model.


   I can't get over how in all those award shows,  those people who win awards come up all shocked like they didnt know they wuld win, yet have the perfect speech prepared! I aint buying it sister! They were prepared, just in case!


  Having an expectation is great, but its only the first step on the way to manifestation. So beyond your expectation, add preparation. Its major ingredient in the recipe of success.

HELLO QUIRKYALONE

The first time i came across the word "quirkyalone" was on twitter (if you follow uberfacts, you've probably seen it too) i immediately googled the word and i discovered that is exactly what i am. A QUIRKYALONE. A quirkyalone is a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and prefers being single to dating for the sake of dating. Its not anti love. It is pro love. It is not anti dating, It is anti compulsory dating.



 The concept is founded on the value of loving yourself first(giving yourself approval so you don't need it from others).



 Many times when people ask if I'm in a relationship and i say no, the next question is why? i often reply that i haven't found the right person. They are always quick to insist that I'm too picky, too choosy, looking for Mr perfect. I'm not perfect far from it actually, so why look for Mr perfect? The truth simply is that i believe certain compromises are unacceptable, so just cos every other person is in a relationship should i settle for less, lower my standards, hook up with just anyone? never! Its not like there are days when i feel like "shacking" up with just anyone especially on certain days like Valentine's day and so on, but then i get over it real quick because i know what I'm waiting for.



  In secondary school i had a really close friend, anytime we went to eat she would order plantain, then she would pick out the oddly shaped ones and not eat them. Did that mean she was looking for the perfect plantain? i say no, she just didn't like the other ones.


  Two days ago my friend told me what she had suffered in the hands of her ex boyfriend, for two whole years she endured all the crap he had been dishing out, he would insult her daily, call her fat, an idiot, a cheap girl and all other stuff. He had even beaten as well. True, the guy was 'tall dark and handsome" but was it worth it? When i asked her why she endured all of that, she said she didn't want to "not" be in a relationship and just be single.



  My mum corners me every once in a while to ask me "how far?" and i have to explain all over again that i cant date anyone just to make her happy as much as her happiness means to me. I know who i am, i know what i want, where i want to be . . . . . i am a bit weird, i listen to Owl city, Enya, Cold play, Linkin Park, Skillet, Iron and Wine, Hoobastank, Vertical Horizon . . . . what would i do with someone who only ever wants to listen to "club bangers" who can't understand what rock is? God forbid someone who is indifferent about music! I like to dye my hair red, wine, blond, white .... what would i do with someone who is a stickler for rules and can't allow me express my self the way i want?


  I'd like to see Rome, France, Spain, to travel the world(it is my inheritance afterall) what would i do with someone who is satisfied with earning just enough for a roof over his head and "3 square meals" (i absolutely cant stand complacent people who have no dreams). Even if he is earning only enough to pay electricity bills now, he had better have a bigger vision, as Fela Durotoye once said, "go for a man with a vision, and not a television". lol, cool yeah?



  How about my love for food(as George Bernard Shaw said, "There is no love sincerer than the love of food)  and cooking, i would love to taste the Vietnam delicacy called Goi cuon, how about Gabon's Chicken Muamba and Neapolitan pizza from Italy  etc. . . .   what would i do with someone who has no palate for exotic foods?
Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean these people are bad people or that there is anything wrong with them, they are just not for me. Shikena! (afterall my dad wouldn't eat Salad except his life depended on it, doesn't mean i love him any less)
These are apart from the God fearing, kind hearted, intelligent etc essential requirements. Even in the book of books (The Bible), when Abraham sent his servant to get a wife for his son he gave requirements, he didn't say bring just anyone.



   I did however realise that quirkyalone is not restricted to single people and relationship issue, it could be anything. Some people are so picky in the type of friends they have, if you fail to pass their requirements, you will immediately be shown the door. For some, its the type of food they eat and where they eat, no matter how much you try to convince them otherwise they just ain't buying it.
  

   Have you met tailors who will refuse to sew your clothes or stylists who will refuse to make your hair or make it exactly the way you asked? Its not always because they are lazy, they are just picky in their choice of clientele. 
Just think about it, how come those big designers like Loius Vuitton, Vera Wang, Chanel etc don't just create designs for everyone? Yet they are bigger designers than the ones who make mass clothings.


    Those who pick and choose really do get the best, if they are wise in the choices they make, so its not a bad thing to be a quirkyalone in anyway. Just because everyone else is studying that course, or working in that field, or wearing those clothes, or doing whatever it is they are doing, doesn't mean you have to do it too. I'd rather be alone and unique than one of the crowd.
  


  
   If there are certain things you wouldn't do even if the whole world was doing it, if you wouldn't compromise what you believe you deserve, if you are not a beggar (they say they cant be choosers)  then why feel like or let anyone make you feel like you don't have a choice. Afterall if you paid for six books and the seller gave you two, would you just accept it and walk away? No, you'd speak up and asked for what you deserve and to get your money's worth. if its that simple then why not apply that same principle to other areas of your life? why say its not the same thing? Confucius said "Life is really simple, we just insist on making it complicated"


   So the next time you are being choosy, don't feel bad, and don't let anyone make you feel bad either. That's just the way you were wired. I've heard it said that "the heart wants what the heart wants".If you are getting less than you deserve and you are unsatisfied, then say something, refuse to be that unsatisfied person. . . . . There is a quirkyalone in all of us.

OWN THAT HILL

    A couple of years ago i went with my mum to see her mum in the village, we'd been there for 24 hours and i was already bored stiff. As i pondered on what to do, I remembered i had seen some hills on the way to grandma's house, so i was off on an adventure to see the hills and take pictures.

    On arrival, the hills were a lot bigger than what i had thought, as it occured to me to climb them i began to think of all that could go wrong, what if i slipped and fell, what if i get trapped up there with no way to get back down, what if at the top there would be a snake bla bla bla bla. Truly it was a daunting task i had ahead of me, nonetheless, i remember taking off my shoes, taking a deep breath, saying to myself "you can do this girl, but brace yourself". Finally I took the first step.


   Halfway up i had become frustrated, i was tired, i wanted to sit (could i get a bed?), i needed a drink, but there were no such options available. The soles of my feet were bruised, so were my fingers, my knees were skimmed and my entire body ached. Still i soldiered on, bravely enduring the discomfort.


   In the blink of an eye i was at the top, i layed down for a minute to catch my breath, but when i got up, looked around, let it all sink in, it was more than worth it, the view was breathtaking!!! The pain and discomfort was nothing compared to the feeling of being so high up, i literally felt high, the houses and people below all looked like ants, the air was fresher, the sun was brighter, i knew all i had to do was stretch my hand and touch the sky.

at the top of my hill

   I quickly got to work screaming, dancing and taking a thousand and one pictures and soaked it all in and then it was time to get down. What i hadnt even contemplated was how hard it would be to come down cos at that point i would no longer be in control, gravity's the boss. One slip and it would be a tumble downhill to broken bonesvile (looking back now, if i had thought about coming down i probably wouldn't have gone up in the first place) i said to myself  "hey girl this place is no longer good enough for you just take the first step again" I slipped a number of times but i held firm. And eventually made it.


    As i walked away from that hill i remember taking one last look and saying to the man who had come with me "can we get a bigger rock, a mountain perhaps?" He thought i was joking and just laughed it off. From that i learnt you can't always count on people to believe in you, you can even count on them to doubt . But truly i needed more of a challenge, i had conquered this one. this was no longer that daunting hill it was a stone I had walked on. I had owned that hill! All because i believed in myself and had taken that first step. I got back to my mum and she told me the two biggest rocks in the state (Olosunta and Oroole) she said the hardest to climb was Oroole and i quickly added 'to climb Oroole rock' to my bucket list.


    No matter the journey, the task, the challenge, the first step is always the hardest because it is filled with the greatest risk. But as Coldplay said "if you never try then you'll never know" The most succssful and most unforgettable people in the world are the daring ones, those who left their comfort zones and took the risks, faced what scared them and went all in. Sometimes with no safety net. The biggest risk Bill Gates, one of the richest men in the world, ever took was dropping out of Harvard to start Microsoft. How about the first man to fly a plane, the first man on the moon?


    Great things dont just happen, you have to make it happen. Go out, change your wardrobe, cut your hair, take dance or swimming lessons, start a conversation, launch your own business. Not happy with your job, get another one. i remember the interview i had with ID Cabasa(one of Nigeria's biggest music producers), he was a banker and a good one at that but he was not happy and so he quit and began producing . (Read the entire interview here http://debourgeois.blogspot.com/2012/07/id-cabasa-excellence-is-my-driving.html ). Now we all know his name...   Many times its when you have everything to lose that you must draw out from yourself the courage to proceed, that we tap into the greatness in us and gain everything.

    Sometimes the risk is not financial, its emotional, you watch the girl you are crazy about go on dates with other guys and you'd rather stay in the 'friendzone'? Speak up already, tell her how you feel, show up with flowers(i prefer chocolates but what do i know?), write her a poem, dedicate a song to her, embarass yourself  but just do something! I saw a movie where a father said to his son "all you need to get the girl is 20 seconds of courage", the boy goes for it and gets the girl. That's a movie, in real life you may not get the girl, but you'll know you tried, you'll never wonder what would have happened if you'd spoken up.

    So what, you're fourty years old and you want to go back to school to get your degree? The people who laugh at you now, will get over their foolishness in a little while. So fill the form. What's the worst that could happen?!

   Not happy with the way you look? lose some weight, register at a gym, start exercising, people will raise their eyebrows at the "fat" person running down the road, but none of that matters, once you take the first step, once you dare to face those that will mock you; you have my word, in the end, you will shock them and become a happier person.

   Never settle for less, when there is so much more you can be. Your potential has endless possibilities. I read that one of the ethics of life is that "before you quit . . . . try". Do whaterver it takes, write out your bucket list, start with something as litle as tasting a new meal (for me it was my neighbour's banga soup) to as drastic as moving to another state. As Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do one thing everyday that scares you". You will have to take that first step again and again and again.


    So I dare you to grow a pair, step up and own that hill.