CHANGE (PART 1)

    

    I published a post a week ago titled "QUIRKYALONE". I received emails and comments about it and one in particular stood out because there was talk about moulding our partner if there is mutual understanding. The mutual understanding part is what is usually missing in attempting to "mould" a person, most of us just think it can be one sided. I can understand where that would come from, you like someone but they aren't quite perfect so we decide to "tweak' them a little, just a little adjustment here and there.


    Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't always work. There is even an 80percent chance it wont work. Humans are creatures of habit, we are moulded from different materials, have different backgrounds, different orientations that determine  who we are. By a certain age we become set in our ways, resistant to change and rebel against those who would seek to change us. (i know i do). Have you ever been in an arguement with someone who believes what they are saying is absolutely correct? It's possible that person has it all twisted, they have their facts all wrong, they are confused, but as long as they are convinced to the very core of their being . . . . .
If you have ever succeeded in changing their minds, I'd like to meet you, your powers of persuasion must be close to supernatural.



    I had a friend who was addicted to smoking, i had pleaded and preached against all the evils of smoking, how it would eat up the internal organs, how it could lead to cancer etc. He even assured me he also wanted to quit smoking "just for you" he said. (did i mention that he was a "toaster"). But i told him he needed to quit smoking, not for me, but for himself. Afterall, it wasn't my liver that was slowing getting burnt. I told him that if he stopped smoking for me, what wold happen when i wasn't there? The chances were that he would return to smoking without me constantly harping on him not to smoke. I haven't spoken to him in a while and yea, its just as you thought, he has resumed smoking.


    I once had a boyfriend who was a gentleman of the highest order, i mean down to opening doors, standing till you had your seat kind of gentleman. He asked me out for a while before we started dating, and all the while he would always say he used to be a bad boy, that normally while asking out one girl, he would have one or more in the background but that for some reason my case was different. (this girl wasn't buying  it but i thought, lets have some fun) to cut the long story short, even though there was no doubt that the guy really was in love by the end i knew of three other girls he had dated while we were dating etc. I escaped unscathed because from the outset i knew what i was getting into and was prepared for any eventuality!

    I read a book about a two people who had met and fallen in love, the girl from a rich family and the guy from a poor family. The guy had always believed that a woman has to depend on her man for her every need, that a man isn't a man if he isn't needed absolutely. Of course there were issues and they went their seperate ways. It took the guy 2years to come to terms with the fact that a man isn't less of a man if his wife is richer and doesn't need his money. He realised that he only had to work hard to make sure that he could provide all that her money could and possibly a bit more and that he is needed in other ways as well.


   How do you mould a girlfriend/wife beater into something different? how do you convince him that brute force is not the solution to every issue in a relationship? How do you get him to reason like a rational being? How do you talk him into changing?


   I came across a blog some weeks ago and the blogger was talking about a story she had heard in the salon (that's a really good place to hear gist ooh). It was about a guy who after a few weeks of marriage suddenly developed the habit of leaving the house to receive phone calls because the network inside the house was "poor". The man after a few months of marriage, divorced his wife, took his ring and left saying he was in love with someone else. Apparently, the new lady was the one he had been calling anytime he left the house due to bad network. The guy apparently married the other lady, did the same thing and left. He did the same thing, three times and was currently in his fourth marriage, obviously, each new one had thought, my case is different, all i have to do is convince him I'm the right one. Bla bla bla. Each deluding herself he would change for her. I'm sure we all know its only a matter of time before we say goodbye to the current wife.

   It's the same principle across all types of relationships.


    It's the same thing with friends. The reason both of you are friends is because she came to tell you all sorts of stories about your former bff, how she had said this about you and done this behind your  back. She painted the other party in a bad light so she could get close to you. How do you mould that person into a good friend, a true friend who doesn't go around talking behind your back. If she is not convinced that friendship is more than hanging out, more than partying together, then you have your work cut out for you. Don't be surprised when that you find out she has been spreading rumours about you!



    You see the way the guy behaves with  his mother and his sisters, you see the way he talks to strangers, you see the way he talks to his employees. You think you can convince him to treat you better? That you can talk him into being kind and speaking to you with a gentle tone? Even though he loves you, old habits die hard!

  
    Human beings are not puppets whom we can make dance as we pull the strings, they aren't dogs we can train to "sit" or "play dead". I'm not saying people can"t change, but most times when they change for you, there usually isn't a conviction in their hearts that that is what they want, and without that conviction, its only a matter of time before their true nature comes back to the fore. The best you can do is try to convince a person that there is a better way of getting things done, talk them into making up their own minds and hope they do. You really can't mould a person into a new person. To mould a person you have to destroy whatever the foundation or root of the problem is.  Most major changes come from the inside out not the other way around. What goes on inside is more important than what goes on outside. It's like looking at a car that has been refurbished, the outside is all shiny but the inside remains untouched. The rust inside will still find a way of coming back outside. If all you've done is wash the outside of a cup and the inside remains dirty then nothing has been achieved.