FACE YOUR FEAR BUT SHOW NO FEAR

Some time this week I had to run an errand for my mum. Little did I know that I was gonna have to pass through the "valley of the shadow of  death" / the "belly of the beast" to get there.


I had some problems locating the place at first, till I stumbled upon a gentleman who was kind enough to walk me to my destination. On arrival though, the gentleman departed and I knew I was going to have to face the journey back alone.


After a couple of hours, I had completed my business and it was time to leave. Just as I thought, the terror still awaited me. However, I had recently seen a movie about a guy who entered a lion's cage in the zoo to fix the gate, he was scared but he showed no fear and stared down the lion when it approachd him. So, I decided I would show no fear, I would act as though I belonged and it was "sure for me".


I was midway through when I hit a little roadblock in the form of puddles of blackened germ ridden water, I was more afraid of falling into the water than I was of the dragons around me so as I approched the little bridge , I stumbled and then I squealed ( just like a girl). That was a huge mistake because I had exposed my weakness and I had shown fear. Before I could blink, the dragons had approached me and were sending threats in my direction, but I quickly pulled back my armour and managed to escape unscathed.

That got me thinking on my way back home, that my perceived lack of fear was what got me out of that situation. Even though I was in a state of panic and I was filled with dread, I managed to cover it up with a facade of confidence.


I decided then that it was ok to be afraid, to be scared, as long as the fear did not cause you to freeze when you had to flee or flee from situations that had to be faced. I thought back to a quote from Mandela "I learned that courage is not the absnce of fear, but the triumph over it. A brave man is not he who does not feel afraid but he who conquers his fear"

It hit me then, that the horror movies were right, the monster or whatever bad guy fed on fear, for instance FREDDIE in 'The Nightmare On Elm Street" or "Freddie vs Jason". "The Hole" is a classic fear based movie, everyone of the actors had to face and fight their fear .........or die, they had to expose themselves to their deepest fear and one that was done, they were free.

Fear strenghtens whatever we are afraid of, gives it an advantage over us. Exposes our weakness when we ought to show strenght. We all have fears, it is what we do about it that makes the winners and the losers. I daresay "only a fool has no fears. a wise man knows what he fears, looks it in the eye and walks away"

I have an irrational fear of cockroaches, but that does not mean if I found one on my bed I would run away! If I did, I probably ran to pick something to kill it with.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot."

 And as Joel Osteen said "Faith activates God, fear activates the enemy". Need I say more?

A LITTLE THING CALLED KARMA

Yea yea. You've heard it before, "what goes around comes around". The line has been used in so many songs, so many books, movies, poems. So I wonder why we choose to ignore such an amazing bit of wisdom.

All its saying is that life is a cycle. Even the earth has a circular shape, and its constantly spinning, going round and round as it has done since the beginning of time, always returning to its starting point to continue the cycle.

Any farmer knows that if you intend to reap a harvest of yam, you don't go planting cassava. They may look alike but they aren't the same, so no matter how much you wish the cassava would become yam during harvest season, it just won't happen. Or say you intend to reap a harvest of cucumber, you don't plant carrots and then hope for the best or pray for the best.................! You simply must plant cucumber.



There is a reason the bad guy always has a terrible end in the movies, its just the law of karma at work. It always seems unfair when in real life it appears as though the bad guys have made a clean getaway, I daresay however, that its not true. The bad guys never escape, we might not know where or how or when, but karma always catches up.

I read a book once which was also adapted for film titled "THE LOVELY BONES",  a story about a young girl who had been raped and murdered by a pedophile. I could tell you the story, but you should just see it for yourself. Anyway, we all thought the guy had escaped and would continue his raping and murdering spree when he met his end. For me, there could have been no better revenge for all the evil he had done but the family of the girl and of all the other girls he had killed didn't know he had received due recompense and would probably never know.


That didn't mean he had  made a clean getaway.


They say revenge is a meal best served cold. But i say, don't bother serving it at all, it takes too much planning and scheming to do what would happen naturally. If you have read Sidney Sheldon's The Best Laid Plans, you understand what I'm talking about. Personal revenge has no guarantees, it may or may not work out the way you imagined, so why waste time and energy when its bound to happen anyway.

The law of Karma is as sure as the law of gravity, possibly surer, because there are ways to defy gravity, but no escape from dear old Karma.


Karma is the law of seed time and harvest.
Here's a scenario, you work in an organisation, you embezzle funds. SEED. You leave the corporation, start your own business, after 10 years it grows into a big company. TIME. A couple of your employees get together, decide to embezzle funds or sell your company secrets to a rival company or forge your signature and sell your company. HARVEST


Here's another one. You are the player of the century, every girl is just another conquest. As far as you are concerned they are all stupid for not seeing through how phony you are. All I will say to that is , I have met a number of players in my life, most are married now and they all have daughters.


So, you are the hot cake all the married men demand. You have no issues with breaking up someone's marriage, yet you think you have a right to a happy home when you do decide to settle down? Or your kids have the right to spend quality time with their dad? Cool story babe!

Never think Karma targets the bad guys alone, it punishes the bad guys just as it rewards the good guys. Be kind to a stranger and you will receive kindness from those you didn't expect. Speak up for the underdog and advocates will be raised for you. Give and you will receive.

Remember that a small seed grows to be a huge tree.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

A couple of things first struck me before i began writing this.
First, can i still spell? I haven't written anything for about two months, so yea, that was the first question.
Secondly, will anyone bother to read this? Its been a while so i imagine folks must have given up on this blog.


Lots of other stuff crossed my mind, but those don't matter anymore. I'm writing and that's what counts. Its what I love to do and  really, that's what counts.
As i continue writing, I remember there is such a thing as spell check, so lets cross that off the list of things to be worried about. As per the second one, I write first for myself before anyone else, if anyone reads it and learns from it, its an added bonus.

I've never been much of a worrier, honestly, I'm find too many things funny so there is no way i can continuously worry about one particular thing. I lost my blackberry two months ago with all my contacts, my songs, videos, pictures...........  I was sad for about half a hour then I said "oh well, much ado about nothing" sitting here moping won't get the phone back so lets get on with the show. I'm not joking, I said that to myself.


Everyone who claims to know me, knows this. i like to laugh. I was somewhere two weeks back and i was listening to Gordons' comedy tape and it was hilarious and all i did was giggle a little, smile etc. however, if i had been at my house listening to that i would have been on the floor rolling around in fits of laughter.

I have a friend who calls me a Galatian, because its like I never have stuff to think about. But that's not the case, I do have stuff that bug me sometimes but before i burst into tears over spilt milk, I weigh my options. What will crying solve? Nothing.

There's a little mantra I say so myself "Abbey, don't worry about it; think about it" As human its only natural to worry, its a part of what we are. It now becomes your decision to keep worrying about it or to do something about it. I'm sure a couple of people wondered if there was a difference between worrying and thinking. Well dearly beloved I bring good news....... there  is

 To Worry, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary is "to think about problems or fears: to think or show concern because you think something bad has happened or is about to happen"

 To think on the other hand, is "to use your mind to understand or decide something"

I'm sure we all studied mathematics at some point and had to solve a number of mathematical questions. Well imagine you had a question like this "a mother is three times the age of her son, if she was 49 ten years ago, how old is her son now, if the son is 8 years older than his sister, at what age would the mother be twice the age of her son, and the son twice the age of his sister?" what would you have done, worry about the question? or think about the question? I can assure you that if you chose to worry about it for 5 hours, that would have amounted to nothing, you wouldn't have been any closer to finding the age of the son than you were when you first began worrying. If on the other hand, you had thought about the question, you could solve it in under 20minutes. {just in case you are trying to solve this, let me know what the answer is, if it has one. i came up with the question myself, so it probably can't be solved, but think about it and let me know}


Here's another scenario, you have a small business that needs to grow, so you spend every minute worrying about it, let me assure you, you are no closer to a bigger business than you were at the first stage. I have never met Bill Gates or Aliko Dangote or Otedola or most of those people who run these big businesses but I'm certain they didn't worry their businesses into what they are worth today.  They had a business plan, outlined their options, weighed them and thought it out before taking big risks and making vital decisions.

I daresay, that anyone who, in the words of Gordons, has moved from plot to kilometre, or to permanent site must have have thought about it. People who worry, have only worry lines and high blood pressure to show for their effort(or the lack of it) while people who think win lifetime achievement awards.

Thinking and worrying are verbs, which usually mean "doing something". However on close scrutiny, you find that one is passively doing something while the other is choosing to actively do something. You can worry anytime, anyday, anywhere, without making a conscious effort. Worrying is as unconscious and as easy as breathing. The opposite is the case for thinking, thinking requires consciously making full use of the mind. Its possible Einstein sat under that tree worrying about something before the apple dropped on his head, but we know he didn't keep worrying about the fact that the apple fell on his head, he instead set out to understand why the apple fell. It was a conscious decision.


Many times, when we have decisions to make, we insist we have thought about it when all we have done is worry about it. Worrying is so closely tied to feelings and emotions that it clouds the ability to make sound judgement or any kind of judgement or decision at all. Worrying in my little experience has never solved any of my issues, so there is no point. I don't worry, i think.


And in the words of the great Rene Descartes "I think, therefore I am"

WHEN THE GRASS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE

So, we've heard the line about the grass looking or being greener on the other side . . . . . many times.
I won't deny that it does, I can't count the number of times I've wished I was someone else, or had someone else's job or grades or some other thing like that. For years I even hoped I was adopted so my American parents would come for me (but after years of people mistaking me for my mum over and over again, I know better)


I would look at certain people and wish I was them, I remember when Riri and Chris Brown were dating, I so wanted to be her then, cos to me that was the fairytale life, they had it all.
Alas, pictures surfaced of Riri who had been beaten black and blue by Mr Chris Brown. Not so perfect now. I decided I didn't want to be her after all, at least no one had beaten me black and blue.



When comparing the greenness of our grass to that of others we leave out so many things. So many factors that would change our perception are hidden from us. And sometimes we simply choose not to see them.


Say, you have a colleague in the office who seems to have it better than you, always gets promoted before you, is indispensable to your boss, is loved by everyone in the office . . . . . . so you wish you had it as good. His grass is looking way greener.



You have a classmate who is at the top of the class, has the best grades and seems to just have it easy . . . ..  and there you are struggling with your 2.0 GP . So definitely the grass is looking greener over there.



You know a couple who appear to be the best couple in the world, they never seem to fight, they understand each other perfectly, know each other's mood, treat each other well and basically appear to live in harmony . . . .  Very green grass over there



You know someone who everyone just seems to love, always makes people smile, people find it easy to relate with this person, she is who you would have liked to be . . . . . .



Your friend's relationship is going so well, her boyfriend treats her like a queen, always pampers her, never raises his voice to her, always compliments her . . . . . . . .


You probably wont admit it, but you want to be that person and because you are not; chances are you begin to resent that person, that guy at the office is constantly getting on your nerves, you think to yourself "who knows what he does to get those promotions"  . . . . . and that classmate begins to irritate you and you say to yourself "I'm sure she does some shady stuff to get those grades" etc etc etc


Grass grows just about anywhere, from the rain forest to the desert! The only difference between them is simply the amount of nutrients it receives, you can't expect the grass in the desert to receive as much nutrients as that in the rain forest. The grass in the rain forest will surely look greener because it receives more nourishment from the rain.


Hope you've caught on to where I'm going with this.


Rather than allowing the green eyed monster called envy to take a hold of you and make you imagine the worst about those people, why don't you start the process of making your grass greener. I read somewhere that "no matter the side of the fence you are on, always carry a bucket of water with you and the grass will be green". If you aren't content with the quality of grass on the side you are on, then all you need to do is water it. To get a promotion you need to work a little bit harder, get to work on time, submit the report when due or before its due, be willing to go the extra mile. To get good grades, spend some more time in the library, find someone who knows the course better to explain it to you. To get people to like you, say hello, smile when you see them: no one likes a sourpuss, spend time with them, crack a joke. To get your relationship to work, be a better person, be ready to listen, don't always get angry. Give it a chance . . .


Someone also said "when your grass isn't green, don't buy a new house, water your lawn". Learn to make the best of where you are at. The solution is not always in getting a new job, or finding a new
boyfriend, its in taking the time and effort to maximise the possibilities already available to you.


Remember this, you can also have it greener, all you need is some more water. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, its only greener where you water it.

ON LOSS, FORGIVENESS AND LEGACIES (from Thoughts in a Diary)

According to research, there are two major types of pain; acute and chronic. Acute pain is short term pain while chronic pain lasts a long time. Childbirth. having a tooth pulled out and some types of cancer have been regarded as some of the most painful experiences a person could have.


As far as I can tell however, nothing beats the pain of losing a loved one. No pain could be more chronic, and although the pain lessens with time, it never completely goes away. We find strength from what memories they left behind and the belief that they are in a better place and in the knowledge that they would expect us to keep living and living it to the fullest. (If you've seen the movie P.S I Love You" then you know exactly what I'm talking about.)



Yesterday, I received heartbreaking news about the death of a classmate, Fiyinfoluwa Awoyale. Although I didn't know her so well, I knew she was a cute, gentle, easygoing girl and all those who were close to her only had good things to say about her. She had been ill, but from all indications she appeared to be getting better. As I grieved for her I remembered another classmate and friend I had lost. Adetutu Adesewa Omorolake. A gentle, ever smiling spirit who died in a car crash about three years ago. I remember receiving the news like a blow to the head, someone I had seen less than a week before and had spoken to on the phone even after that.
I remember saying to myself that if I was in that much pain, then her family who had known her all her life would be devastated and inconsolable.

What was most traumatising for me was that the last time I saw her we had a little argument where I had said harsh words and even when she called after that, I was less than friendly. Who would have thought that would be the last communication between us. And for what? A stupid meaningless issue! It took a long time to get over that and now I still wish the last time I saw her we had hugged,  shared some jokes and I would have teased her like I usually did.


I promised since then never to let a loved one go away with harsh words between us, I can't say its a promise that I have kept but whenever I remember that promise I try to make good on it, because when you think about it whatever it was that caused the rift is temporal, not worth as much as that loved one.

The gospel of forgiveness has often become one closest to my heart because no matter how much our loved one hurt us or how much we hurt them, I'd like to believe it wasn't done with the intention to hurt us. If you love someone you don't go out of your way to hurt them. Many times, it just happens.


When I think back I can't think of any bad thing to say about my friend because she was always smiling, always happy. Even when you annoyed her she would be unable to keep an angry face. Sometimes, I think God just let us have her for a while, to touch everyone she met with a smile, to brighten up our days if only for a little while. Her heart was pure.


I hope to one day found a charity organisation, to do some volunteer work for the U.N, adopt a motherless child, or at the very least,  I hope to live my life in a way that when I'm gone those who knew me would  wish I was still around. That the memory of that one thing I said or did would forever stick, and never fail to make them smile.
I hope I helped a stranger in need, encouraged a friend, prayed for a brother. . . . . . . This is how I plan to live forever.



Dedicated to the memory of two beautiful ladies Adetutu Adesewa Omorolake and Fiyinfoluwa Awoyale. You remain unforgettable in our hearts.

                                                                                 Adesewa                                                                                 

 

Fiyin